Naked Hobo

So, I’m sitting down at the cantina, throwin’ a few back with some friends, having a good time after a long hard day at work.  Well, then this blond haired preppy boy comes in and totally snags my buddy’s seat at the bar.  You know it was intentional too, my buddy’s jacket was totally on the seat.  I mean, that is just like calling dibs, the seat is taken man.  Anyways, I try to explain to this kid the error of his ways, maybe, just maybe he didn’t see that the seat was spoken for.  The little shit totally blows me off.  Well, screw that noise man, first he squats on my buddy’s bar stool, now he thinks he can just ignore me.  I wanna give this sand farming turd a piece of my mind.

So, right then my buddy Cornelius comes back from the shitter and tries to reason with this guy.  You’d think, being in a new place, not knowing the lay of the land, the kid might be a little more cooperative, but no.  I’ve had it, I make a grab for the punk, figurin’ I’ll take him out back, give him a  few lumps to teach him a lesson, deed is done.  Well, outta no where comes this grandpa with this fucking laser sword and he whacks off my freakin’ arm.  Really, you bring a fucking laser sword to a bar brawl, what kind of fucked up crazy shit is that?  This isn’t the Old Republic man, you can’t just go into bars and chop off a guys arm, we got laws man.

And, to top things off, my insurance feeds me some bullspit about arm reattachments not being covered under my plan.  What the hell am i supposed to do now?  Fucking chick tells me a few days in a bacta tank will fix me right up.  Yeah, and who is gonna pay for it, that shit ain’t cheap.  I just hope I can qualify for some disability.  Knew I shoulda taken that job on Alderaan.

Every actor has a low point.  This film is the low point for everyone involved.  Robert Dinero, Jason Alexander, Piper Perabo, John Goodman, Jonathan Winters, Janeane Garofolo, Randy Quaid, Carl Reiner. Billy Crystal, David Allen Grier, Rene Russo, all them have sunk to depths no actor should ever sink to.

If you haven’t guessed by now this was an awful film.  What exactly do I mean by awful?  I don’t think you could intentionally make a film this bad if you tried.  The great irony is the plot idea that Fearless Leader is going to broadcast the worst tv shows ever to turn people into zombies.  Well, the makers of this film may not have made me want to eat brains, but I wanted to poke mine with a spear.  There was a certain quirky greatness to the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, and there should never have been an attempt to make a live action film.  Personally I don’t think this is territory that ever needs to be covered again, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” hit the mark, and I don’t think we need more blending of toons with people.

It isn’t simply that the story is so bad that ruins the film.  What truly makes it painful to watch is the glut of talented actors in it.  Now granted, not everyone listed above is an Oscar caliber actor, but many of them are funny, and in this they were so unfunny that I think if hell was a comedy club it wouldn’t be as bad.  Oh for a time machine to prevent this from ever being made, 0 Axes.

Mild mannered milkman Burleigh Sullivan (Harold Lloyd) is suddenly thrust into the spotlight when he accidentally knocks out a boxing champ in a brawl.  The fighter’s manager decides to build up Burleigh’s reputation as a great new boxer by fixing fights in the hopes that when Burleigh and the champ meet again that the champ will win, and then everyone wins big when it comes to the bets.

This is perhaps Lloyd’s best talking picture, and probably the last great film he did.  It has a lot of charm and is very sweet, like many of Lloyd’s films.  Lloyd isn’t the only funny one in the film either.  A good supporting cast, especially Helen Mack as Mea Sullivan, Burleigh’s sister.  She has some great one liners and wise cracks.  There is also something quite comical about seeing the lean and awkward Lloyd in boxing gloves and shorts.

The film itself, like much of the work from this era, is a bit dated and some of the humor would be lost on most audiences today.  Fans of Lloyd will find a lot of enjoyment from this quirky little movie, 4 Axes.

When I am in the mood for corned beef, and when I have the time (that is important because technically I am almost always in the mood for corned beef) I head to one place, McBob’s. Not only is it the best corned beef sandwich, not too mention their equally yummy ruebens, but it is big enough for any appetite. If not, then you can double the meat for a truly gargantuan sandwich experience. The corned beef is trimmed of the excess fat and very lean and it is piled high on bread and given a dash of horseradish mustard. The rueben adds melted cheese and sauerkraut (the best thing to come out of Germany ever, at least foodwise).

If corned beef isn’t your thing, aside from being odd, you can enjoy other great bar food. The best is the Celtic Taco on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Satrudays, and Sundays. It is big too, trust me, if you leave McBob’s hungry then you didn’t order any food, Wash everything down with a nice cold pint of Guinness and what more could you ask for.

The crowd is a great mix and I love locales that have a good sampling of folks. The staff is great too, and I’m saying just saying that because my wife knows some of them. It can get busy at times, so if you want food to go, I would recommend calling ahead. For a small hole in the wall type joint that isn’t really all the conveniently located it seems to do just fine, which when you have great food and good service the people will come back.

So, go gorge yourself on the finest corned beef Milwaukee has to offer. Maybe I’ll see you there next time I get a hankerin’.

McBob’s
4919 West North Ave.
Milwaukee, WI 53208
Phone: (414) 871-5050

Also on the web!

I love Italian food. And I don’t just mean pizza. Of course I tend to go for the simple staples of life, spaghetti and meatballs. At Mama Mia’s I can get a tasty order of this dish, with some of the best meatballs around, and always leave both full, and with a hefty doggie bag. Not only do you get a plate piled high with spaghetti and two big, juicy meatballs, but you also get a bowl of tasty minestrone soup, a simple, but huge, salad, and the biggest piece of garlic bread on the planet. It is basically a brick of bread, and the butter just drips off it.

My wife is a fan of the eggplant parmesan and I can attest that even I like it, though in general I avoid eggplant. I can also attest to the greatness of their pizza, and oh how I wish they would deliver. A wonderful thin crust concoction that is making me drool even as I type this. I rank it third in my favorite pizzas of Milwaukee, I will get into numbers 1 and 2 at a later time (hint hint, Zaffiro’s and Lisa’s).

Of course if you don’t want standard Italian dishes, go on a Friday and have their delicious fish fry. Made with a sublime conrflake batter it is one of my favorites, again number 3 for me, but with the number of fish fries in Milwaukee that is a darn good ranking. And, they have potato pancakes, which any truly great fish fry in Milwaukee should have.

So, if you want a hearty size helping of good Italian food, and the cost isn’t too high, about 10-12 dollars per person for the full dinner, head on over to one of the locatiions of Mama Mia’s. I personally prefer the location on Silver Spring, both becuase of it’s proximity to me, sentimental reasons, and I think they have the best food the local chain.

Mama Mia’s on Greenfield
8533 W Greenfield Ave, Milwaukee, WI
(414) 475-0400

Mama Mia’s
800 Clinton St, Waukesha, WI
(262) 547-6504

Mama Mia’s
200 W Summit Ave, Wales, WI
(262) 968-2255

Mama Mia’s
200 W Summit Ave, Wales, WI
(262) 968-2255

Mama Mia’s on Blue Mound
18880 W Bluemound Rd, Brookfield, WI
(262) 789-0277

Mama Mia Italian Cuisine
800 Clinton St, Waukesha, WI
(262) 547-6503

Mama Mia-Barbiere’s
2615 W Silver Spring Dr, Milwaukee, WI
(414) 463-6262

Looking for some good greasy food to tide you over, or maybe you seek afterbar food. Well, look no further my friend for you have found your niche. Cheap and tasty eats from a quick and friendly staff is what waits for you here anytime between 11am and 3am, any day of the week.

I personally go there for my hot dog fix, at a $1.75 for a jumbo dog you can’t beat it. The Jalepeno Poppers are a nice treat too. Of course they have Gyros, and they are about as big as your head too. I never had a gyro before I went here, and I have to say I am impressed. It really is such a simple sandwich, and yet it tastes so darn good. There are other delicious eats on the menu, Athenian Chicken, burgers, brats, fries and an incredible (not too mention gargantuan) Greek Salad. My wife is a huge fan of their Spinach Pie too.

I go here quite often now that I live only 3 blocks away, which is great for my taste buds, but kinda sad for my dieting attempts. Plus with their long hours you can almost always be assured that they will be welcoming you with hot food whenever you want.

So, whether you just want a snack, or need to fill up with something to take the edge off of a long night of whiskey and beer, belly up and fill your food hole.

1810 E. NORTH AVE.
MILWAUKEE
414) 347-1920
MON – SUN 11 – 3 AM

or visit them here on the web

Okay, I am not of Mexican ancestry, the only places I have been in Mexico are of the touristy variety, and I am by no means an authority on authentic Mexican cuisine. But, if I am in the mood for Mexican food, and by that I mean mood in a whatever it is to you American way, I go to one place and one place only.

Sure there are “fancier” places one can go to, but I will pit Conejitos beef tacos and their awesomely perfect sauce against any place in the city, nay, the entire Midwest. Besides, where else can one go and get great food for about 4 or 5 bucks and leave feeling happy and satisfied. My normal meal usually consists of 4 beef steak tacos with a side of rice and beans, you got to have rice and beans and you have to mix them together. Other greats are the lunch plate, a tasty selection of aforementioned rice and beans, plus some shopped meat and a side of tortillas. And, I will say this once, always get a bowl of ships and salsa. In truth I have not had anything on the menu that I didn’t like. Now, if you are worried about your waistline, this may not be the place for you. The food is great, which ultimately means that it is not very healthy in the most general of terms. Spoil yourself once in a while.

This is also another fine place with a friendly staff. I am always greeted when I walk in and they always say goodbye and thank you when you leave. All you restaraunt owners and wanna-be owners out there listen to that. Those are two of the most important things you can do to show a customer that they are not only welcome but that you appreciate their business. Make good food too, that will help a lot as well.

One other thing I love about this place is that it is kinda one of those everyman locales. You will see people of all ethnic backgrounds and anyone from lawyers and doctors to construction workers and janitors. And everyone is enjoying good food together. Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go drool in expectation of my next visit to the lovliest hole in the wall Mexican joint in the world.

Oh yeah, and drink some tequilla when you are there too!!

Conejitos Place
(414) 278-9106
539 W Virginia St
Milwaukee, WI 53204

Not all good food out there comes from restaurants. Sometimes you can buy it at stores and take it home for later consumption purposes. While it is a bit of a drive for me, my favorite such place is Brennans. They have the absolute best produce of anywhere around. Not only is it sweet and fresh, they have samples of almost everything. You can taste which pears are the best, which plums the sweetest, which cherries the most tart. You can have an entire meal while browsing the produce section. But remember to save room.

Once past the produce paradise is the rest of the store. They have a fine wine department with a very knowledgeable staff. Beer more your style, they have a greta selection of micro-brews too. Plus you can mix and match your own six packs. And, if you are looking for something more Wisconsin than beer, look no further than the glorious cheese section. Piles and piles of dairy goodness, with many more delictable samples to be had. I am quite partial to both the Amish Swiss and the Aged Cheddars.

Now that you got your lactose on, check out the meat department and get yourself some yummy landjager. Don’t know what landjager is? Go find out. I will give you a hint, it is meat based and that should be enough for you to want it. They also have some fine sauages that are begging to come home and enjoy a fireside lounge on your grill.

Pickles. You can get them here to. This is just one big country store and it has all you really need. Pickled everything, cucumbers, cabbage, carrots. It’s all good.

The worst thing about this place is that there is so much good stuff and only so much money in your wallet. Check it out, you will not be disappointed.

Brennans

This is for all the PETA members out there. Of course by PETA I mean People Eating Tasty Animals. If you want meat stacked upon meat with a nice sidedish of meat, then there is one place to go, provided you don’t mind dropping a few coppers for a fine meal. Sabor. Named for the Portuguese word for flavor, the meat at Sabor is prepared churrasco style, roasted on spits. Wonderful men patrol the dining floor with these spits and hand carve the meats at your table. It is easy to get their attention too. At the beginning of the meal you are given a small disc, one side is orange and the other side green. When the orange side is up they leave you alone, but once they seen that flash of green they swarm down on your table ready to serve up tasty meats like the fabulous house steak, parmesan pork tenderloin, and top sirloin.

Now they do have some non-meat type foods. The salad bar is where you start and it offers quite a variety of edibles. You also get some sidedishes at the table too, beans, garlic mashed potatoes, and delictable fried bananas. However, once the meat starts it is hard to focus on anything else. Save some room though because you get dessert as well. They bring out a huge platter with several different deserts on it. Unlike most restaurants though yu don’t choose which one you want. They just leave the whole platter at your table. Bring your wallet though, it is a flat fee for lunch and dinner, running 28.50 and 44.50.

Sabor
777 N Water St
Milwaukee, WI 53202
414-431-3106

Sabor on the web

In the not so distant future the US is at war with many other countries, Iraq, Lebanon, Syria, Venezuela, France, and Alaska.  To combat the loss of so many troops, a secret government lab is working on a reanimation virus.  When things at the lab get out of control, the infamous Z Squad is sent in to clean up the mess.  However, one soldier is biten by a zombie, and fearing that he will be killed he flees to the underground strip club of Ianna Esco (Robert Englund).  Once there he infects the clubs top stripper and she begins to spread the virus amongst the other girls, as well as eating some of the customers.  These new Super Zombie Strippers are a big hit and many of the dancers struggle with conforming to the new standard or retaining their humanity.

Now, doesn’t this sound like a movie that was overlooked in the Oscar selection process?  With huge name stars like Robert Englund and Jenna Jameson this movie should be up for at least several acting awards.  Okay, more serious, I knew this was going to be a bad movie.  It was meant to be a bad movie.  Bad movies can be a lot of fun if done right.  This movie was done sort of right.  There is plenty of gore and violence, as to be expected in a zombie movie.  There is a degree of humor, but too often it ends up more along the lines of “Meet the Spartans” rather than “Evil Dead”.  It isn’t just comedy for the lowest common denominator, it is comedy for the lowest common denominator’s brain damaged pot smoking cousin.  When you have a gag, it needs to be quick, nothing ruins a joke more than prolonging it when it should be a quick jab.  I have seen so many “Saturday Night Live” and other sketch comedy shows have a brilliant idea that they take way too far.  Then it becomes a lame waste of time.

It is not an easy thing to do, purposely making a bad movie.  Most of the really good bad movies are accidents, they were done seriously in the hopes of making a good film and instead they become cult classics, like Ed Wood’s body of work.  There is one very strict rule when it comes to making a bad movie.  You still need to try.  You can’t just do anything because, oh well, the film is supposed to be bad.  If everyone had just tried a little harder, I think this would have easily been a better movie and would be on its way to becoming a cult classic.  But it won’t, it will go the way of “Superhero Movie”.  There is some muddled social commentary and satire, but it is lost under the ridiculousness of the movie.  Years ago I may have liked this more, some shots of titties and a few buckets of blood, fine by me.  I guess my tastes have grown, and I have also been shown that you can do cheesy and do it well, “Shaun of the Dead” for example.  This movie just goes to much to the cornball side of things, 1 Axe.