Naked Hobo

So it has become apparent to me that the longer I go without eating certain foods, the less apeal they have to me when I do eat them.  Take the Pop Tart for example.  I have not had one in a long time, perhaps a year or more, which is a long stretch for a foodie like me.  I was in a rush this morning and got no breakfast so I took a Pop Tart from the back room at work, chocolate chip.  Okay, you got Pop Tart, you got chocolate, should be a tasty bit of sugary fun.  Not really, it was kinda dry, kinda bland, and my teeth feel funny now.  I guess my Pop Tart days are behind me.

I admit it, I am a total food junkie.  I like nothing more than stuffing my eat hole with tasty goodness.  This does make it a bit tricky to lose weight when that is something else that I want to do.  The fact that we can put bacon, sausage, and egg on a single biscuit…c’mon, work with me man.  That is a a loaded gun in my hand.  Bacon is deadly enough on its own, why you gotta screw me and add it to other wonderful foods.  Of course this doesn’t always work out well, Wendy’s “Baconinator” comes to mind.  Huge burger, lots of bacon, how can that be bad?  Simple, use the crappiest bacon you can find and cook it just enough for it to be chewy and slimy.  Bacon should crackle and snap when I bite it, it should crumble perfectly.  If you can bend it, it isn’t done.  When you pick it up by one end one of two things should happen.  It should either remain intact and inflexible, or it should crumble under its own bacony weight.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I was one of those dipshit guys that can’t even manage canned food, but no, I can cook, and not to brag, I can cook pretty damn well.  You won’t see me on “Top Chef” any time soon, but I make a killer Guinness stew, some kick ass chili, and a mega bananas foster.  More reasons why I am a good 50 pounds overweight I suppose.  Of course a month ago I was more than 70 pounds overweight, so I am making some progress.  I did cut out regular soda, diet isn’t too bad, plus there is now a lite version of Hi-C Punch.  I stopped eating sugar cereals for breakfast, and lunch, and late night snacks.  I also eat more human sized portions.  No more entire box of cereal and half gallon of milk midnight snacks.  No more one pound burgers from Fudruckers with a side order of onion rings, hot dog, milk shake, and brownie.  No more late night trips to Grecian Delight to gorge on gyros and jalepeno poppers.  Sure, I indulge myself still.  I still eat foods I like.  I’m not gonna be some veggie munching self loathing player hater.  I just eat  a little less.  I eat a little smarter.  I realize I am getting older and my body will eventually start to really see the effects of bad diet and extra flab.  I want to live to see my golden years without the use of a oxygen tank or heart surgery.  I have been lucky enough to have a good metabolism and a body that handles cholesterol pretty well.  I know that won’t last forever.  Still, pass the bacon wrapped chicken breasts served on a bed of ground beef, see, I got three food groups right there.  Add gravy and a beer and I am all set.  On a great food note, my wife and I are hosting Thanksgiving this year again.  That means Helena’s garlic butter infused turkey.  Nothing more needs to be said other than that.  I will eat myself into a food coma and then just as the EMTs show up and shock be back into the land of the living I will eat a little more.  But no pumpkin pie please, it looks like ear wax on a cracker.  Give me some good old apple pie.  All this writing has made me very hungry.  However, I am still full from my wonderfully healthy Pizza Shuttle chicken dinner.  Maybe I will just have a nice glass of milk, it aids in difestion and weight loss.  Thanks, now go eat some bacon fried in bacon covered with bacon dressing served on a bed of bacon bits with a fine bacon glaze.

Now I am what is known as an “eater”. If it is food, and especially if it is deemed unhealthy food, I will eat it. This does not extend to the patty melt though. Now, for one I am not a big fan of the fried onions on a sandwich thing, though I can overlook that for a realy good sandwich. The thing that gets me is the crappy cheese spreads that seem to be used on most patty melts. Even if they use a halfway decent one it just doesn’t seem right to me. Cheese on a burger should be in slice form, anything else is a violation of the Burger Treaty of 1956. Of course this may all stem from me liking my burgers to contain only a few elements, aminly meat, cheese, bread and “flavorings”. Flavorings can be the seasonings used, ketchup, mustard, BBQ sauce, and the like. Cheese, as mentioned before should be in slice form. Meat, well, of course you start with the patty, beef preferred. Now, you can add other meats, perhaps a brat patty, or even better, bacon. In rare circumstances an egg can be considered meat provided the egg is fried and you really, really hate your arteries and want them to shut down. I don’t normally add the onion, lettuce, tomato thing, those are for salads. I will eat a salad, I just don’t want one on my burger. There are folks out there that try to fancy up a burger. Most of these fail. I will admit I make a mango dijon burger, but I am above the law and can get away with this. Too often I see specialty burgers that are not all that special. Aso, if you make a specialty burger and name it after some location, be it a country or state or city, try to know something about said location. A veggie burger with mushrooms and sweet chile sauce is not a Texas burger. Lean beef and turkey mix served on a sourdough roll with mayo is not a Wisconsin burger. Get your burger locales straight before you go naming food items all willy nilly. This talk has made me rather hungry now, end of discussion, time to eat.