Naked Hobo

A chick flick.  Plain and simple.  Stars that chick from “Will and Grace” pretty much playing the same character.  Also has Dirty Steve.  Girl hires boy to pose as her date for her sisters wedding in England.  Girl falls in love with boy, boy falls in love with girl.  The end.  2 axes.

He fought the hideous curse of his evil birth, but his ravished victims were proof that the cravings of his beast-blood demanded he kill… Kill… KILL!

He had but one body – yet lived with two souls!

Half-man… Half-wolf

Even the innocent girl who loved him was not safe… once the full moon rose!

How can a movie with these taglines be bad?  Easy, it’s made by Hammer Films.  Sure they have some classic horror flicks under their belts, this is not one of them however.  The werewolf looks cheesy, even for a low budget 1961 film.  To be totally honest it really isn’t that bad.  It is probably one of the best werewolf movies ever made, though that isn’t really saying much, after “The Howling” what is there that is any good?  Like most of the Hammer Films the sets and costumes are quite well done, but it just seems to loose something, never really capturing the feel it is going for.  Still, I can’t be totally down on this film.  It does a good job of portraying the monster as a tragic figure, something that doesn’t happen very often in horror flicks these days.  Leon, the werewolf, is not in control of his other half and is not just some crazed, sadistic killer.  You truly feel sorry for him and that redeems the film a bit for me, 2 1/2 axes.

Nope, no typo, that is the name of the movie, straight out of the time of giant hair and large butts crammed into really small pants, which would be 1966.  Bad acting, bad writing, and a bad story all around are the apparent main focus of this film.  Then there are the creepy bad guys that like to walk around with chains and a claw hammer and rob people that kidnap a round bottomed girl with ten story hair, unbeknown to them that she is the girlfriend of second tier superhero Rat Pfink.  Big pointless chase ensues with Batmanesque fight scenes, only thing missing was a Bamf and a Kappow!  Seriously, can we all just forget the 60’s ever happened, I mean the 70’s were bad enough, but for cryin’ out loud.  This stinker shouldn’t even register on my scale, 0 axes is too good for it, even taking into consideration that the whole movie must have obviously been made as some kind of sick joke, never before have I done this, but here we go -1 axes, yep that is 1 below zero folks, and for some reason I sat through it until the end.

As the wife would ask, what is it about the decay of society that makes people have mohawks?  A typical “Mad Max” replica with little new, just insert killer virus instead of nuclear war.  The Reaper virus explodes in Scotland and no cure can be found, so the British just wall off the entire country and leave the people inside to die, taking the virus with them.  Of course they don’t all die though, do they.  No, some people are immune to the virus and they become cannibals and start wearing leather and get a lot of tattoos.  Of course none of that would matter to anyone, but alas, the Reaper virus has cropped up again, now in London, and bad ass chick must go over the wall to find the cure, if there is one.  Of course she and her crew quickly run afoul of cows, and then the mohawked, leather wearing, heavily inked, pierced, cannibalistic Scots.  Chaos ensues, one guy gets eaten, lots of blood and guts and then it is off to see the wizard, um, I mean Malcom McDowell who leads the other group of survivors that are apparently in the midst of putting on a Ren Faire.  More killing, more guts, insert cool car and bewildering car chase that had to be done though it made no sense.  Deliver the cure, which is some immune chick to the evil leader of England and then stay behind the wall and go back to chill with the mohawk folks.  For what it was and what I expected from it, it was enjoyable, 3 axes.

Based on the true events of Irishman Desmond Doyle and his fight against the state to reclaim his children from orphanages, this is a feel good film.  It isn’t great by any means, and despite his origins, Pierce Brosnan’s accent at times seems forced and stilted.  There are the corny bits and of course one knows that it will end happily, otherwise what is the point, right.  It does highlight that there is a definite difference between the application of law and the pursuit of justice.  The movie also seemed very short, like they were rushing to tell the story while using the least amount of film possible.  Overall I did like it, I just felt that it fell short of its potential, 2 1/2 axes.

Not to be confused with the 1930 or 1927 versions, this is the 1939 version.  A wealthy man receives a message from a mysterious killer known as the Gorilla.  The Ritz Brothers, a poor mans Marx Brothers, play the trio of bumbling detectives brought in to invesitigate.  Bella Lugosi plays the odd butler that everyone believes in behind the crimes, but is he?  There also happens to be a real gorilla loose in the mansion too.  Considering when it was made, and a great jop by the paranoid maid it is a decent, mildly amusing film.  If the Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers had been in it instead it may have even been a great movie.  As it is it was an okay watch, 2 1/2 axes.

The same guy thayt brought you “Donnie Darko” shows that he was a one hit wonder.  Some interesting bits here and there, and a fine performance by Dwayne Johnson.  A stellar cast all around, not a lot of big name folks, just a lot of recognizable people and they all played their parts well.  The story just never seemed to find its footing though.  It tried too hard to be as out there as “Darko” was and it never established its own identity.

Plus, it was just too damn long.  I began to pray that the ending would come, an ending that was no surprise at all if you even half watched the movie.  It wanted to be cool and surreal, but it was just drawn out and dull.  Not even J.T. could save it.  “Donnie Darko” is a cult classic, this one is just a dud, 2 axes.

Guy Ritchie made some fine movies with “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch”.  He did not do the same here.  The cast was fine, and parts of the movie was entertaining.  However, the story seemed disjointed and too formulaic.  I had figured it all out fairly early on and the movie began to get quite boring.  Ritchie’s other films had a bit more action in them to give the movie a boost when it needed one.  That didn’t really happen here, a few small bits of gun play just wasn’t enough when the story was less than engaging.

Jason Statham does a fine job playing the type of characters he tends to play over and over again, and Ray Liota as the main antagonist, lay off the tanning and plastic surgery there Ray, did an admirable job.  In fact I had no problem with any of the actors, they were the saving grace of the film, but even they couldn’t save a floundering film, 2 1/2 axes.