Naked Hobo

Scientists once again play God in an attempt to cure disease.  While searching for a cure for degenerative brain disease medical biologist Susan Mcallister (Saffron Burrows) finds a way to enlarge the brains of the mako shark to allow for the harvesting of proteins needed for her research.  Of course, bigger brains means smarter sharks, not really how that works, but this is how the movie runs with it.  The sharks rebel and start to kill off the research team, but, as always, there is a hero, Carter Blake (Thomas Jane) that is gonna put man back on top of the food chain.

I knew this was gonna be bad going in.  I knew it, and yet I watched it anyways.  I think I do this solely for closure.  This is a movie that a lot of my friends saw back in the day when it came out.  I never did.  Shark movie was perfected in 1975 with a little film called “Jaws”.  We never need to revisit this genre, ever.  Yet, time and time again someone gets the idea to do another shark movie.  Oh, but this shark movie has a twist.  Yep, they all do, the twist is, they all suck, they just suck in different ways.

Burrows and Jane are not strong enough to be the leads in this film, Janne almost, Burrows not at all.  Leading the likes of Samuel “I almost always play the same guy” Jackson, Michael Rapaport, and LL Cool J, the leads fall way short.  Jae has done better work, but he isn’t up to the task when paired with the utterly lackluster Burrows.  Throw in Rapaport who can usually act good enough, Cool J who just needs to be cool, and Jackson who just needs to shout a lot and you have a supporting cast that actually outshines the leads easily.  This isn’t to say that the acting is great.  Nope, it is just ok on the secondary level and crappy on the primary level.

Should I go in to the absolutely ridiculous ideas they came up with for this movie?  Ok.  Rip-off from “Jaws 2″, shark takes down a helicopter.  If a helicopter appears in a shark movie there is about a 98% chance that it will get taken down by said shark.  Rip-off from “Jaws 2″ yet again, let’s electrocute a shark.  Rip-off froms “Jaws 3D”, shark breaks the protective glass that allows an area to be flooded.  Apparently, glass that is strong enough to resist the pressure of being deep underwater is not strong enough to resist a guy on a gurney being thrown through the water at it.  Did anyone in this movie ever swim?  Do any of them have any idea how things move in the water?  You can’t throw things.  A shark can move because it swims, but if it is pushing something, like a guy on a gurney, once it lets go that guy is gonna slow down really fast.  He would never have enough momentum to crack undersea glass.  But, we gotta get the shark in the building somehow.  I am also amazed at the complete and utter failure of any deep sea rig to withstand anything.  Apparently they are made to withstand just enough force to exist, anything that is even a fraction beyond causes everything to explode, implode, flood, and generally fall apart.  There are always lots of failsafes, but they only seem to work when it comes to trapping someone.  They never work to prevent a major catastrophe, like letting Saffron Burrows live through the whole freakin’ movie.

All this thinking about such an awful movie is making my head hurt.  This isn’t even a fun popcorn flick.  It is just plain awful.  I don’t even want to justify the existence of this film by giving it a rating.

Nerdy college student Harold “Speedy” Lamb (Harold Lloyd) will do anything in his quest to be popular.  He worked hard to earn plenty of money for college and upon arrival at Tate University he shows off what he has learned, college yells and a rather silly way of introducing himself that he saw in a movie.  He soon becomes the focus of ridicule and many practical jokes, most of which he doesn’t even realize.

Harold Lloyd is one of a kind.  This is Lloyd’s best film, it is funny right out of the gate.  The lead character is exactly the type that Lloyd preferred to play, kinda goofy and corny, but good natured.  As Lamb, he excels as the goofy college kid that is just trying to fit in.  However, for those expecting nothing but slapstick and outrageous chases, trademarks of many of Lloyd’s work, may be disappointed with this movie.  It focuses a bit more on the characters, the humor is there, it is just secondary to the story being told.  This is a story about a young guy that just happens to be funny, as opposed to a series of funny pranks that has a young guy in them.  Does that make sense?

There are few truly great college movies out there, most are nothing but a series of breast shots and puking, with a bit more boobies thrown in for good measure.  This film shows that you can have a funny, entertaining college movie without any of that tired, sophomoric crap (I will admit I like some of that stuff, but in moderation folks, and it has to fit, it can’t just be thrown in because your tit quota was short).  If you haven’t watched silent films before, this may be a good starting point to sow a seed of interest, 4 1/2 Axes.

The evil Dragon Eye seeks the crucible, an unlimited supply of the magical bloodsteel, in hopes of awakening his cursed son and ushering in a thousand years of rule. The free peoples of Mirabilis appoint four knights to find the crucible before Dragon Eye.

You see a name like “Knights of Bloodsteel” and you think, this is a movie that I have to see. This is a movie that I would kill my own grandmother if she got in my way when I went to see it. As if this isn’t enough, throw in Christopher Lloyd as a secondary character, yep, that’s right, Reverend Jim. Now you have such a historic event in the craft of cinema that we as a species are not even worthy of viewing it. Ok….maybe I am exaggerating a little bit. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a lot.

As far as made for TV fantasy goes, this wasn’t the worst I have ever seen. It is still pretty bad though. Take one of the leads, David James Elliot, playing the role of John Seragoth. You listen to him and you think, oh, he’s Irish. No, wait, he’s Scottish. No, that’s not it either. Oh, I see, he is a Canadian that can’t do an accent at all, and even when he tries he slips in and out with almost every other word. Now, pair him with the likes of Natasha Malthe. You now have one of the worst acting duos even seen on screen. There is the lame, we hate each other but really we love each other thing between them, but both have so little passion that one may miss it, even though the script slaps you in the face with a fish about it every five minutes.

The whole thing is typical fantasy plotline, big bad guy seeks unlimited power, good guys must fight to stop him. Some stories can make this work, some cannot. This is one of those that cannot. The bad guy is really kinda lame. His schemes are pathetic, his minions dumber than the average rock and about as useful as a Stormtrooper in a room full of Ewoks. We do get to enjoy some great early 90’s era CG effects in the form of dragons though, so, if you want a retro feel, this may suit you.

I have stated before about my reluctance to watch movies airing on the Sci-Fi channel. This wasn’t on their typical Saturday of ultimate awful, this was a two day event. How can one pass up a two day event. By the time you realize how bad it is, you are kind of committed and end up tuning in the second day just to see if it gets any better. It doesn’t. I knew it wouldn’t, and yet I sat here and watched it. I guess I am a bit of a movie masochist, 1 1/2 Axes.

Oh yeah, and apparently Elves have pointy teeth like Vampires.

In the 19th century the seas around Hong Kong are ruled by pirates, primarily the dreaded Pirate Lo.  Dragon Mao (Jackie Chan) is an officer in the coast guard and he sets out to take down the pirates and restore the honor of the Hong Kong coast guard, Project A.

I enjoy watching Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung play off each other. They work so well together.  I think this one of Chan’s better movies.  You get some good fight scenes, thought the level of choreography does not compare to some of his later work.  It does have the trademark of Chan’s films, a great blend of humor and some good old fashioned slapstick mixed with the fighting. Some of the stunts are pretty extreme too, Chan hanging from the clock tower for one.

I do need to find the original Hong Kong version, I have seen parts of it before, but I have only watched the US release all the way through.  There is a lot of the great comedy cut from the US release, they almost seem like two different movies.  There is also the problem with the dubbing, it is quite awful to say the least.  Still, I enjoyed this film, even in its flawed state, 3 Axes.