Naked Hobo

Apparently Noah made a second ark to carry monsters, though this ark is a crate, and it contains one monster, a nephillim.  It, much like this movie, is bad.

Sci-Fi, or I guess SyFy, seems to have something about making a decent movie.  They seem to want to air nothing but the crappiest movies they can find.  And yet, I continue to watch them.  What is wrong with me?  I do this for all of you, so you don’t have to watch these crapfests.

I was drawn in because one of the leads is Tim DeKay, from the series “Carnivale”.  I was not drawn in my the pressence of  Renee O’Connor.  I never liked her on “Xena” and I still don’t like her.  Something about her just rubs me the wrong way.

I guess I could talk about the movie.  It is awful.  There is nothing even remotely redeemable about this film.   The script is terrible, the acting is terrible, the effects are beyond terrible.  The CG in this film is awful even for a SyFy Channel movie.  The creature looks so utterly ridculous.  The film also rips off as much as they can from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “The Last Crusade”.

You have this brotherhood that protects secrets, such as the Monster Ark.  Maybe instead of leaving things sit around in some cave completely unprotected you gather them all up and keep them somewhere that meddling archaeologists can find it.  This brotherhood is also supposed to be made up of direct descendants from Noah.  Of course if you take the flood story as truth, everyone is a descandant of Noah seeing as he and his family are the only ones that survived.

I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone.  It is beyond terrible, it isn’t even a so bad it is kinda good either.  This is quite possibly one of the worst atrocities that SyFy has unleashed upon us, 0 Axes.

The Tramp (Charlie Chaplin) is an escaped convict who is mistaken for a small town’s new minister.  He has a change of heart due to the kindness of the church folk and helps retrun money stolen from them by a fellow former convict.

This was a good short, not one of Chaplin’s best, but still a good watch.  It tells a good story in it’s short run, but it seemed to lack something for me.  There were some funny sight gags and such.  The bowler hat covered with custard and served up for desert, but I don’t know, it just didn’t have that great feel that most of Chaplin’s works seemed to have.  It was just missing something.  It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be.

From what I have read too, I seem to be in the minority with my general blah feeling about this short.  It had some slapstick, but compared to Chaplin’s other works, it falls well short, 2 1/2 Axes.

Geronimo is on the warpath, which isn’t great news for a group of folks traveling on a stagecoach.  They are an interesting group, a former prostitute, a soldier’s wife, a doctor, a banker, the Ringo kid (John Wayne).

This movie won 2 Oscars, best supporting actor (Thomas Mitchell) and best score (lots of guys).  It also got a slew of nominations, best director (John Ford), best picture,  film editing, cinematography, and art direction.  I can see why, and I am surprised it took me this long in my life to see this movie.  I am a John Wayne fan, grew up with him, watching his movies with my dad.  I like the Duke.  He may not have been the best actor, but you knew what you were gonna get with him.  I’ve also always been a fan of John Ford too.  It was because of Ford pushing so hard that Wayne is even in this picture.

This is the film that really started it all for Wayne.   There is a great shot near the beginning, a lone figure in the distance, zoom in and it is Wayne, holding a saddle in one hand, a Winchester in the other.  He was for all intents and purposes a B-movie actor at this point and was taken seriously.  This film changed everything.

This film really melds some things quite well.  You get the action that has become expected with a Western along with some great characters.  You also get a real sense for the old West, the myths, the feel, the history of it all.  And, with the film being shot primarily in Monument Valley, which Ford would use in many more films, you get breathtaking beauty and unimaginable backdrops.  I can only dream of how wonderful it would look in color.  Still, even in black and white it is amazing what they accomplished.

With the choice of people that are riding in the stagecoach you have a perfect mix for conflict.  The way the soldier’s wife treats the whore, and the way Ringo treats the whore because he doesn’t know who she is.  The drunken doc, I can see why he won an Oscar for this role, is truly one of those beloved eccentrics you expect in a John Ford movie.  You get to see the characters grow and change from their one dimensional beginnings into real people.

1939 was an amazing year for movies, “Stagecoach”, “Gone With the Wind”, “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”.  This now ranks as one of my favorite westerns, and one of my favorite John Wayne movies, even though I would hesitate to call him the star as there is such a great cast all around.  I wasn’t sure how much I would care for this one, probably why I waited so long to see it, but in the end I was more than pleasantly surprised, and I was very entertained, 4 Axes.

The venerable francise gets a well needed reboot as we see a young Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) join the future crew of the USS Enterprise, Spock (Zachary Quinto), Bones (Karl Urban), Scotty (Simon Peg), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Sulu (John Cho), and Chekov (Anton Yelchin).   Though I have said before that it should be assumed that my reviews will contain spoilers I will warn you once more, there will be a great many spoiler ahead.

The story is one that Star Trek writers use a lot.  I think there must be some kind of special bonus for them if they can use it.  That would be the story where something happens to the time line and all the space time continium stuff and such.  Star Trek has explained that their are an infinite number of parallel universes, one for every decision and occurrence that could ever happen.  Unlike just about every timeline story though, this one doesn’t fix everything at the end.  Vulcan remains destroyed and old Spock is stuck in this new world.  I am glad they didn’t wrap everything up they way they normally do.

Though the movie is a reboot, it is technically Star Trek XI.  This one should dispel any belief that the odd numbered movies are a curse.  Sure, most of them suck, but this one is the second best Star Trek movie to date.  If you don’t know what the best one is then there is no hope for you.  Did the movie have flaws and plot holes and things I didn’t like?  Absolutely.  But, it gave new life to a dying francise, a new beginning and hope for a brighter future filled with good sci-fi films.  It had some great characters, a decent story, good action, humor, spectacular effects.

Sure it bugged me that apparently in the future no planet seems to have any kind of surface defense, just in case some nutter from the future shows up with a giant drill.  It bothered me that an exploding warp core can apparently over power the gravitational pull of a black hole.  But I never watched Star Trek for the hard science of it.  If I want that I’ll read some Asimov, note I said read, in my opinion there are no movies that are actually based off any of his books, there is that one that claims to be, I think it was “Will Smith and His Robot Pals”.  Star Trek science has always been a bit goofy, so I can roll with that.

As for the actors.  Quinto plays a great Spock, but I think the script hindered him a lot.  He was made into this focal point of the story and was made to be a bit of a whiny bitch, as whiny as a Vulcan can be.  The whole thing with his mother dying and then that being used to anger him later was about as subtle as Kirk karate chop to the neck.  Pine was good as Kirk, though he too was a bit on the whiny, rebellious, angsty teen side.  Urban was brilliant as McCoy.  He was more Bones than DeForrest Kelly ever was.  When he shows up angry and drunk you know he is perfect.  Pegg was good as Scotty, and some of the allusions to the fact that Scotty eneds up a bit on the larger side were funny.  The rest of the cast was fine, Uhura was sexy, Sulu finally got to show off some of his mad sword skills, and Chekov has a funny accent.

While not a perfect movie, this is what Star Trek needed.  A fresh start with all new people and a new vision.  Everything will be different now, and hopefully, better, 4 Axes.

Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are lifelong friends living together in platonic bliss.  Unfortunately money is a bit short, so to make some quick funds they decide to make an adult film.  As their on screen debut looms closer and closer, unresolved feelings between them begin ti surface.  Can their friendship survive?

The title alone should let you know that you are not in for high cinema.  Having Kevin Smith as the director and writer you can be sure of a few things.  Good chance of seeing Jason Mewes, and with the title you will probably see much more of him than you ever wanted to.  You will have some funny jokes, some rather raunchy, and some witty dialog that makes for an interesting script, but unrealistic talk between two people.  Though much of the movie is filled with, well, the making of a porno and plenty of toilet humor, their is a great amount of feeling and emotion that plays out well.

Seth plays the lazy slacker perfectly, though I don’t think much of that is actually acting.  Banks as the high school loser that ends up a hottie is good too.  Plenty of cameos to go around and everyone does a fine job.  It was nice to see Traci Lords as Bubbles, she is not a bad actress seeing as where she got her start.

There seem to be a lot of people that hated this movie.  Some didn’t like it because it can be a bit graphic at times.  I have heard some whiners complain because it isn’t yet another Clerks movie.  They whine when Kevin Smith makes something different, and they whine because all his stuff is the same.  I pretty much got what I was expecting from this movie, some  laughs, some boobies, and at least a partially naked Seth Rogen (I didn’t want to see that, but I was expecting it).  Not Smith’s best movie, but still fun, 2 1/2 Axes.

In Charlie Chaplin’s last American film he plays a fading stage comedian that meets a suicidal ballet dancer, and they both try to find meaning and happiness in their lives.  Chaplin as the comedian Calvero must fight his way back to the top, while Claire Bloom as Terry, the dancer that needs to regain her confidence so she can walk, and dance once again.

This movie is almost like an autobiography on Chaplin.  The character of Calvero, a man that has seen his star fade, mirrors Chaplin in many ways.  He plays a man, much like himself, standing before us asking where do I go from here?  Once he was the at the height of fame, and later in life he fell on hard times and was a mere shadow of himself.

The movie is a great drama, with a little comedy thrown in.  One of the true highlights is Buster Keaton as Calvero’s partner on stage.  Seeing the two former masters playing together was a serious treat.  I can’t think of a better pairing, two of the greatest silent film actors coming together beautifully.  While this pairing is what stands out to most people, it is the deep, almost gut wrenching feeling of defeat, triumph, and the final fall, the wonderfully emotional story that really sets this film as possibly Chaplin’s greatest cinematic work.

There are some flaws to the film, though it isn’t enough to detract from it.  Claire Bloom, like many actors of the 1950’s tends to overact, a lot.  Chaplin though is perfect as the somber and deflated Calvero.   The musical score is amazing, Chaplin won an Oscar for it, along with Raymond Rasch and Larry Russel.

For those that are used to the more comedic roles that Chaplin was so well known for, don’t expect that here.  Aside from a bit of clowning when he is performing as Calvero, there is nothing funny about Chaplin’s role.  He is a walking advertisement for the fears of aging, alcoholism, depression, and fear of failure.  The film does get a bit overly melodramatic, but I think that is more just a sign of when the film was made.

It is sad that this was Chaplin’s last big role in cinema,and we will never see the likes of Chaplin or Keaton again,  but it is such a perfect film for him to go out with.  The reflection back on a bygone era, a man fading into the sunset.  It may be his best work, even if it isn’t my particular favorite of his films, I am a sucker for his old silent comedies, I still loved this movie, 4 1/2 Axes.

I wanted to do something special for movie review number 150, find a movie that really speaks for me as a movie fan.  failing that, I’ll take whatever is playing at 1am on a Thursday on TBS.  So, I give you the tale of a young maiden who is cursed at birth to be forever obedient. Poor Ella (Anne Hathaway), must do whatever anyone tells her.  She has hiden this for most of her life until her father remarries and she gets a pair of wicked stepsisters.  Now she must find a way to break the curse or she will be forced to kill Prince Char, the man destined to become king, as well as the man she has fallen in love with.

I was flipping channels when I heard Eric Idle’s voice.  He is the narrator for this film, and I tend to stop whenever I hear the voice of anyone Monty Python-esque.  Now, that doesn’t always lead to anything good, but I will always give things a shot.  then I saw Anne Hathaway.  I’ve got a bit of a thing for her, and it isn’t just because she is so damn pretty.  She is classy, at least she is from what I can tell.  In a Hollywood that is ful of boozers and drug abusers, she is a good role model. You don’t read about her getting a DUI or going into rehab.  Pretty much, because she keeps herself clean, you never hear about her except when she is in an upcoming movie.  I am not going to go into a tirade about the moral cesspool that is Hollywood, just wanted to state my affection and respect for Ms. Hathaway.

On to the film.  I got about what I was expecting out of this, cute and cheesy, with a fair dose of camp as well.  I’m not watching something like this because I expect big explosions, or a deep, character driven story.   I expected cute, I got cute.  I will also admit that I like musicals, even if a friend of mine calls me a poof for it.  I liked the use of modern songs in a fantasy type setting, used in a good way, as opposed to lots of hard rock and metal in a movie about young knights and jousting.

As for the cast, well, Idle makes a good narrator for a movie like this.  I couldn’t see someone like Morgan Freeman doing it, much like I couldn’t see Idle doing to the narration for “Shawshank Redemption”.  The supporting cast is fine, there isn’t a whole lot demanded of them, there usually isn’t in cutesy movies like this.  I did like seeing Cary Elwes doing something, and he makes a very good evil villian.  Then there is Anne Hathawat, ok, maybe I am a little obssesed with her.  She is perfect for roles like this.  She is very cute and fits the Cinderella type roll very well.  She also does glamorous incredibly well, so she can do the young maid to princess thing with ease.

Are there things I would change in the film, sure there are.  The so obvious I was waiting for it fart scene with the giants, if I know its coming it is much less funny.  However, I got what I thought I would from this movie, and that is all I ask for, 3 1/2 Axes.  Oh, and if I didn’t mention it, I like Anne Hathaway.

Zombies have taken over the world.  What a surprise.

This is yet another variation on the now too popular zombie theme.  But these aren’t called zombies.  They’re Biosyns.  And this one takes place in the woods.  You have creepy beard guy and a bunch of mohawk dudes, and then there are all the zom…I mean Biosyns.

The movie starts off weak.  I can understand a movie that was made 30 years ago having things happen in the future that never really did happen.  But if you are going to have your movie take place just a few years into the future.  Supposedly world overcrowding becomes the downfall of man about 2 years from now.  Seriously, WTF?  Most of the world was destroyed after WWIII, but everything looks lush and green.  The lead character’s blood is supposedly the antidote for all the infected Biosyns, but no one seems to care about that.  Why save civilization when you can have a mohawk and drive around and shoot things.  Okay, maybe that does sound like fun, scratch that last bit of criticism.

The obviously low budget of the film really hampers things.  There are good low budget films out there, but this one is not it.  It needed a much better story and much, much better pacing.  I was so bored at times I feel asleep and had to rewind the film to catch what I missed, which really wasn’t much.  It seems that the camerman got some kind of special deal, some kind of bonus for the number of times he could use a filter.

I suppose this isn’t a true zombie film, if you are a purist.  The Biosyns run around and act like human-monkeys.  They can be killed by ways other than shooting them in the head.  It does follow the whole, biten and you become one thing going, but…

Sure, there are worse movies out there.  Sure, this had a somewhat unique twist on the zombie/post apocalyptic genre, but it was sorely lacking in the story department.  It had potential and it failed to live up to it, 1 1/2 Axes.

In the 1930’s notorious criminals such as John Dillinger (Johnny Depp), Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd are running amok in America.  The FBI is started to change into the force it is today as they fight to capture these public enemies.

I have read a fair amount about the crime wave of the 1920’s and 30’s.  I know a bit about the likes of Dillinger and Nelson.  I know that Michael Mann changed a lot of what is known to have happened.  I expected this to happen, but kinda hoped it wouldn’t.  We still get a pretty good movie, not great, but pretty good.  There is way too much time spent on the love affair between Dillinger and Billie.  Not only did it feel kinda forced and unreal, it didn’t really happen anything like that in real life.

There were a great many changes made that didn’t seem to make sense to me.  For some reason they seemed to need much more bloodshed.  The jailbreak in Michigan has guys dying all over the place when in reality only one clerk was wounded.  They also kill off people that either didn’t really die or would die off later.  The entire scene at Little Bohemia where they pretty much kill off everyone, including Baby Face, when in truth the only death was an innocent bystander.

I did like that they showed how the FBI and law enforcement in general was much more brutal and barbaric even into the 20th century.  I know some people would argue that it is still so, but that isn’t up for discussion right now.  I liked that they showed how law enforcement was changing, it was evolving, finding better ways to track criminals, better ways to prosecute.  The film also showed how the criminal world was changing.  It was moving from small time heists into the modern age, crime was evolving too.

I did enjoy the movie.  Visually it was wonderful to watch and with the exception of Christian Bale the acting was phenomenal.  I’m sorry, I like Mr. Bale, but he isn’t all that good of an actor, something I really noticed in “The Dark Knight” and again here.  When he is paired with truly great actors he pales.  There were a few significant flaws with the film in my opinion.  Everything could have been tightened up a bit, the pacing seem slow and haggard at times.  Much of that was with the almost painful to watch scenes between Dillinger and Flechette.  Overall there was just something missing.  A spark if you will, that thing that seems to make a movie click.  It was the same way with another Mann feature, “Miami Vice.”  That too was a visually well done movie with good acting, not great though, but it just never clicked.  On the plus side, “Public Enemies” was a big step forward from “Miami Vice.”  I guess I was hoping for too much from this film and I do feel a bit let down with how much they felt they had to change from the real story, still, 3 Axes isn’t all that bad.